I want to tell you about the difference between trying to quit and actually deciding to quit.
I tried maybe 20 times. Probably more. Always the same pattern: a few days sober, feeling good, then one situation, one stressful evening, one dinner with the wrong people. Back.
For a long time I thought that meant I was the type of person who couldn’t quit.
I wasn’t. I was just trying instead of deciding.
What trying looks like
When you try to quit drinking, you’re still leaving a door open.
There’s an implicit negotiation happening. “I’m going to not drink… unless something comes up. Unless it’s really hard. Unless I really need it.”
You don’t say that out loud. You don’t even consciously think it. But it’s there. And the moment things get hard, the negotiation kicks in. This counts as a special situation. This doesn’t count.
That’s trying. And trying always fails eventually.
What deciding looks like
When you decide, the negotiation is over before it starts.
You’re not “not drinking today.” You’re not a person who drinks. Past tense. Done. Not up for discussion.
The difference sounds small but it’s massive.
When you’ve decided, cravings don’t trigger the same negotiation. There’s nothing to negotiate. “I don’t drink” is just a fact about who you are. Like “I don’t smoke” or “I don’t eat meat.” It’s part of your identity, not something you’re working on.
I can tell you the exact moment I stopped trying and decided. It was after a specific night I won’t describe in detail here. But I woke up and something was different. Not “I’ll try again.” More like: this chapter is over. I’m already on the other side.
Why telling people matters
One thing that made the decision stick: I told people.
Not asking for support. Not “I’m trying to stop drinking.” Just: “I don’t drink.”
To my wife. My brother. My family.
Once you say it, it’s real. You’ve made it public. Now the version of you that drinks has to explain itself to other people, not just to you.
My family didn’t believe me at first. My wife gave it maybe a month. After 7 months and 18kg gone, they stopped doubting it.
What comes after the decision
The decision isn’t the end. You still have to live in it.
Social situations. Stress. Old habits. People pushing drinks on you. All of that is still real.
But the foundation is different. When you’re trying, every one of those situations is a test you might fail. When you’ve decided, they’re just situations. You handle them. You move on. You don’t fail because failure isn’t an option that exists anymore.
I don’t know how to tell you exactly how to make the decision. I think it’s different for everyone. For me it came from a specific moment of exhaustion, of being tired of the version of me that was still doing this.
What I do know is this: there’s a real difference between the two. And you know which one you’ve been doing.
Trying is “I hope I can do this.”
Deciding is “I already have.”